Lawson Williams – “Explaining My Mental Health”

My depression is a firecracker in the palm of my hand 

A raging bear mauling my psyche, leaving a dead husk of a jovial mind space, a shadow of what I once was 

My depression gets off on my euphoria, like a masochist with pain,  sniffing me whole till a hollow shell echoing the numbness of my existence remains 

You should go out more, they say. 

Sure,  I make plans, I make plans I intend to follow through on but I’m sun-kissed by frustration, anxiety shackle me in place in this 2D space. 

Going through with plans is that much harder when I’m blindfolded by the numbness. 

To lovers of mine, I’m sorry for not telling you about what being in a relationship with me means_on most days, a three-way with me and my depression and on others, a full-blown orgy with my anxiety, depression, frustration and with me in the middle but at all times I’m trapped in an abusive relationship that I can’t tell if I’m cheating on them with you or on you with them.

So I stay by myself 

By myself is how I stay on cold nights, curled up on the floor with candlelight to chase away the darkness. In the darkness, I see shadow people. 

You think too much, try closing your eyes and hum they say… 

Yes, my mind is a well-oiled machine without a working brake pad so I think myself off a cliff whenever I wander 

Thoughts, poisoned by my frustration. Pessimistic nihilism creeps in on me and I find myself wondering what I am_ an optimist masquerading as a cynic acting like a pessimist? 

My mental health is a grapefruit on the river currents 

They still don’t understand what I mean

well I hope they get now, that neither do i

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash