I was held captive in the cage of my losses, couldn’t even help myself.
I lost my joy, my peace, and I was gradually losing myself.
The shield of peace that once protected my heart cracked
and I was exposed to the realities of this fallen world.
Excruciating pains thrust through my overwhelmed soul like a burning sword.
I was alone: no one to lead me out of the wilderness of frustration.
I was wounded, yet,
No Samaritan was available to bind my lacerations.
I swam in the pool of my own tears, even though I knew tears did no good
Sorrow is brutal; depression is as cruel as an axe on a bleeding wound.
Even in the midst of the crowd, I felt fear drying up my burdened bones.
My life was dry and boring
I was even afraid to call this my own.
The more I tried to own me,
The more I tightened the chains around my heart.
I found no pleasure in living but I managed to keep breathing with a broken and exhausted heart.
They said I would need to shed the pain by talking to someone
But the only person I wanted giving a key to the gate of my crazy world didn’t exist yet
But I learnt to trust again, even though I couldn’t put my feelings into words perfectly
Yet, I tried
Mama said, “A problem shared is half-solved”, but she lied.
They said ” feel free to share with us”, but after listening, they responded with a big bowl of rejection
They pretended to care, but they only listened to drop their biased convictions
“Was there any offering I could give that would buy back time and undo what was done?” I thought
‘Maybe I’d have to live with my pains and sorrow at least until I am gone’
I yearned for time to roll back; for things to be different; but then, they wouldn’t.
Desperate for help, I sought solace in sex, pills, and liquor, even when I knew I shouldn’t.
Boredom drove me to find pleasure in social media; but that turned even more depressing.
Lonely in the midst of company,
I turned to myself
Perfected the art of speaking to myself to keep myself company
Sounds crazy but it was temporarily relieving
One day, Kiki called and that was the game-changer.
She ended with this phrase “I love you, but Jesus loves you even much more.”
I can’t explain why,
but I wept until I could weep no more
I felt as though love reached out to encircle me in gentle arms.
Those words hit me as hard as a pellet from The Remington outdoor firearms
I can’t remember everything she said, but I know most of what she said made a lot of sense
I felt different and that was all I needed.
My feeble knees kissed the ground in unison and I tried really hard to pray
I whispered, “Oh Lord, please help me because I don’t even know how to pray”
Then I began to feel something filling up the void of my loneliness
His presence began to fill up the jar of my nothingness
‘This must be the Prince of Peace walking into my room’
Yeah, the truth and the light has made my empty soul His living room
As He spoke, my illusion faded like smoke
His words ran through me like honey
Pure, sweet and heavy in rhythmic strokes
“You are only depressed because you are too attached to the outcomes in your life. I mean, the silver, gold and fame”
“Look unto me and live above your stories, pain and shame.”
“Depression creeps in whenever your identity is wrapped in something or anyone other than the man that was hanged on the tree.”
And I got that!
Now, I no longer react to labels and captions because I have been set free (indeed)
The Prince of peace is my Rock and in Him,
I move, I live and have my being. That is my eternal position.
He truly keeps me in perfect peace, because my heart is fixed on him and trusting Him is my eternal decision