I like to think ‘Life is good’. Some days, I feel on top of the world. In fact, most days I feel on top of the world then there are some days that I just break down and cry asking myself if life is really worth living. On days like these, it doesn’t matter how happy I have been in the past I just feel helpless. You can have everything going well for you and then a switch just flips and that’s it! Your mood is ruined. Your mind starts to wander. For absolutely no reason, you start to think of all sorts of terrible things that have happened to you and your mind gets heavy.
Living in a society where much attention is not paid to depression and people think one should be strong no matter what, it is really hard to seek for help. You tell people how you are battling with depression and they try to belittle your feelings. They make you feel stupid and you begin to think maybe something is wrong with you. You then find yourself moving back into your shell. You start wishing the world comes to an end. People tell their parents, guardians, friends, and loved ones about what they are going through, and they are told “oh it’s nothing! You will get through it”. No form of psychological help whatsoever. It’s just you and your spirit mind.
I have been in a space whereby I just wanted to run away from everything and everyone. I wanted to vanish from the surface of the earth. I’ve felt so much pain and anguish. I’ve covered myself with a blanket before and forced myself to sleep hoping I never wake up again to face this cruel world. The joke was on me because I woke up a few hours later. Have you ever eyed dangerous objects and start to think of what would happen if you use them on yourself? I’ve looked at a bottle of Vim before and wondered what would happen if I consumed the content in it. Depression can have you doing and thinking the unimaginable.
Being depressed is like being locked up in a cage. Sometimes, you don’t even know how you got there but you just know that you are not a free man. It is like being bound in shackles. You are trying to break free but there is a weight pulling you down. In the days when you feel good about yourself, you begin to wonder what happened days before. How come you feel so free and on top of the world when just a few days ago, you felt your world crashing down?
Hope has always been my safe refuge. Whenever I feel down and wild thoughts start to pop up in my head, I have always been able to picture myself in a better place. Hope has kept me moving on. Hope has enabled me to visualize the light at the end of the tunnel every time I am feeling down. Hope is all I have and all I have ever had. Hopefully, it doesn’t fail me someday.