Rebecca Nse Udom – “In My Head”

Growing up, I recognised that I had voices in my head.

They staged conversations and planted imageries in my stead.

When I was quiet,

Their echoes were what I was listening to in private

As I grew older, their confidence increased

This wasn’t my anxiety or coyness

This was a council inflicting pain fleece 

And I was the only one I trusted 

 

Maybe it’s my background

Growing up with loudness and chaos

Or maybe I’m just a weirdo dressed as pretty

I had thought I silenced them

Getting myself busy and exposed to love

Being active in the guise to shield my insecurities

Then life got to a lonely state

My most comfortable place became my prison

 

The voices amplified

Stealing my sleep and corrupting my peace

And slowly I drifted from the world I once knew

To the one I created in obscurity

Chronic insomnia? Googling symptoms didn’t help

And this went beyond losing sleep

Impatience, mental drain, self-pressure

Wanting to drown in my own tears

No one to speak to because I posed as perfect for too long

 

Here I was alone,

With the voices in my head, a pen and paper

Sadly, I had a choice to switch this narrative and get better

But I was scared I’d only be pushing them away for a moment

And they have a trademark of coming back stronger

I also thought no one would understand

So, I decided to stay this way

Rather than speak up.

…with the voice in my head.

 

Photo by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash