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Toluwanimi Adekanmbi – “Untitled”

I feel like I’m constantly tumbling in an infinite pit, it’s appalling because I keep feeling I will land and it will be over but it never ends.

I stand in front of the mirror.

 

“You are smart, You are kind, You are beautiful, You are amazing” I chant.

 

You are useless! You are a failure! You should just die! The earth would be better off without you!

 

“No, no, no, I am smart, I’m beautiful, and I’m good, I’m…… I’m nothing”

 

I sigh in dejection as I let the depressing thoughts take over. My reflection stares back at me with eyes red as blood, filled with dejection as if mocking me for thinking that chanting a mantra of positive words would uplift my mood.

 

I laugh at my folly but even the laugh is so sad that I start crying again.

 

“What is wrong with me? “ I sob helplessly. I just don’t understand my sour mood.

 

I sit on the bathroom floor and stare into space. I don’t know how long I stay like that but I am jolted out of my reverie when I hear sharp knocks on the door.

My name is Bibire, the only child of the Lawanson’s, a prominent and wealthy family in Lagos. Growing up, I have never lacked anything, my mum says that I was given to her by God after 10 years of waiting for a child of their own. They made sure I had everything I would ever need. I went to the best schools, was the top of my class. I was good at sports, good at science, good at arts, I was the perfect child. Things have changed I no longer feel special, I don’t feel exceptional at all. I feel nothing.  I feel like there is no hope for me. I feel like I’m constantly tumbling in an infinite pit, it’s appalling because I keep feeling I will land and it will be over but it never ends. I want it to end. I am tired of this feeling. 

For the past few weeks, all I have done is sit on this bed and think. The thoughts I have are not happy ones. I have read my bible, I have prayed. I have tried drugs. I have tried weed. I have gotten drunk. I was desperate for anything that would make me feel better so I indulged in weed and tramadol. After the first time, I decided I would never do drugs again. I felt worse afterward. The drugs did not make me feel better. Nothing made me feel better. I have been having sleepless nights, I have a stack of sleeping pills in my closet. I have gained a lot of weight. No-one deserves to be stuck with me for life.

 I saw a post on the internet about how depression kills, I saw the comments on the post and I felt very afraid to tell anyone I was depressed lest they look at me as a Yaba Left patient. I saw a piece of advice that depressed people should see a psychologist, I laughed, what would that change?

 

It seems the heavens are closed on my case. I feel dead. I don’t want to live anymore.

I think about dying a lot. I’ve even prepared a suicide note mail in the event that I ever end up dead. 

My suicide Note: 

Dear Friends and Family,

If you’re reading this, I assume my plan worked and I am no longer around to cause anyone pain. I am sorry that I was such a nuisance to you. Nothing is going according to plan, I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel alone and lost. I am tired of life. . I can’t explain the feeling of hopelessness that has characterized my every day. I can’t seem to stop feeling like this. Feeling so sad, tired, hopeless, ashamed, and guilty and no matter how hard I try, I can’t just seem to be happy. 

I am writing this to let you know none of this is your fault. You all gave me a reason to live for as long as I did and I am sorry. I am sorry for being such a huge burden. You don’t deserve the things I put you through. You deserve to be happy. You deserve much better than this useless and degenerate me. I just can’t seem to find the wonder and beauty in life. Life feels grey and colorless for me. That’s how I can describe how I feel. It feels like there is no color in my life. In the midst of all this, you are all the main reason I lasted his long. Thank you for loving me truly and unconditionally. I wish there was another way. I hope you remember me fondly. I will always love you.

Love.

Bibire Lawanson

The knock jolts me out of my reverie and I open the door, its my best friend Mary-Ann. She looks at me with horror- I look like a mess, that’s no surprise. This is the most vulnerable she has ever seen me and like as if she could tell that something was wrong , she rushes in to give me a hug, it’s a warm and reassuring hug. It makes me start crying again and I collapse in her arms.  

Maybe there is hope after all. 

 

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

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